Stories from the Counseling Room: I'm Not Actually Brave, I Just Have No Choice

An international student told me that she often hears people say "you are very brave."

"Going abroad to study alone, that's very brave."

"Living alone in a foreign country, that's very brave."

But she said:

「I'm not actually brave, I just have no choice.」

She said:

「I didn't go abroad because I was brave, but because everyone else was going abroad.」

「I don't live alone because I'm brave, but because here, I'm just by myself.」

「I don't hold back tears because I'm brave, but because there's no one to see me cry.」

「I'm not brave, I just got used to it.」

She said:

「Once my mom said to me, 'You're very brave, being out there all on your own.'」

「I wanted to say, 'I'm not actually brave, I just have no choice.'」

「But I didn't say it, because saying it would make her worry.」

「So I said, 'It's okay, I'm used to it.'」

「But being used to it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt; it just means I've stopped talking about it.」

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I'm so tired, I really just want to give up.」

「But I know I can't, because I have no choice.」

「My family spent so much money; I can't say 'I don't want to keep going.'」

「So I just keep pushing through, pushing until one day I really can't take it anymore.」

「They say I'm very brave, but actually, I just have no way back.」

He said:

「Once I couldn't take it anymore and really wanted to tell my family 'I don't want to keep going.'」

「But I knew if I said it, they would say 'we spent so much money.'」

「So I said, 'It's going well, I'll keep working hard.'」

「Actually, I don't want to work hard anymore, but I have no choice.」

「I can only keep pushing through.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to go home, but I know I can't.」

「Because if I go home, that means I 'failed.'」

「They would say 'why did you come back?'」

「So I just stay here, alone.」

「They say I'm very brave, but actually, I just have nowhere to go back to.」

She said:

「Once when I went home for the holidays, my mom said 'you look like you're doing well.'」

「Actually, I was already numb by then, but I said 'I'm doing fine.'」

「Because I knew if I said 'I don't want to keep going,' she would worry.」

「And then she would say 'we spent so much money.'」

「I didn't want to hear that, so I pretended 'I'm doing fine.'」

「But 'doing fine' is fake; 'having no choice' is real.」

Many parents praise their children, saying "you are very brave."

Thinking the child is "out there on their own, very strong."

But the child might just have no choice.

He might really want to go home, but have no way back.

He might really want to give up, but can't.

He might really want to say no, but knows saying it won't help.

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really envy those people who can say 'I don't want to keep going.'」

「Because they have a choice.」

「But I don't.」

「I can only keep pushing through, and then people say I'm 'very brave.'」

「But I'm not brave, I just have no choice.」

He said:

「Once I told a friend 'I'm so tired.'」

「He said 'then just take a break.'」

「I said 'if I take a break, I won't have money for tuition.'」

「He said 'then you really are brave.'」

「I smiled and didn't say anything.」

「Because I'm not brave, I just have no choice.」

「I can only keep pushing through.」

If you are a parent, perhaps you can think of it this way:

A child being "very brave" might not be bravery; it might be having no choice.

Maybe you can ask: "Do you sometimes feel very tired, but have no choice?"

Give the child a space to say "I actually really want to rest, but I know I can't."

Instead of having to pretend every time that "I am very brave."

I am in Manchester, specializing in counseling for international students.

If you want to chat, you can send me a private message.