Stories from the Counseling Room: I Miss Home, but I Don't Want to Go Back

A international student once told me, he really misses home, but doesn't want to go back.

I asked why, and he said:

「Because going home means 'I can't do this anymore.'」

「Because going home means 'I failed.'」

「Because going home means 'all that money was wasted.'」

He said:

「What I miss is a home where someone cooks for me, someone talks to me.」

「Not coming home to face those looks that say 'what happened to you.'」

He told me about a time when he really couldn't keep going anymore, and he told his mom, "I want to come home."

She said, "Are you just tired lately? You can come back and rest for a while if you want."

But what he heard was a completely different meaning:

"You can't keep going? We spent so much money sending you abroad, and now you want to come back?"

「So in the end I said 'it's nothing, I was just venting,' and kept pushing through.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to lie flat, but I know I can't.」

「Because once I lie flat, that proves they were right—that I'm not good enough.」

「So I've been holding on and holding on, until the day I really can't hold on anymore.」

「Then maybe I'll go home, but at least until then, I'm always 'doing fine.'」

She said:

「Sometimes I get emotional and miss home.」

「I miss my mom's cooking, my bed in my room, the feeling of having people around.」

「But I know I can't go back.」

「Because going back means I admit 'I can't do this.'」

「I don't want to admit I can't do this, so I choose to keep going alone.」

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to go home, but I know I can't say it.」

「Because if I say it, they'll worry, and then they'll say 'then come back.'」

「But I don't want to come back—I just want to rest a little.」

「What I want is a home where I can rest, not coming home to face 'why did you come back.'」

He said:

「Once I went home for a break, and after a few days I just wanted to leave.」

「Because at home, my mom would ask me 'how are things lately' 'can you keep up with your studies' 'have you made friends.'」

「I didn't want to answer those questions, so I chose to go back early.」

「Actually, after I went back I was still alone, but at least I didn't have to answer all those questions.」

A lot of parents, when they hear their kids say "I miss home," say "then come on back."

But what the kid hears might be "you failed."

What he wants is a warm home, not coming home to face that feeling of guilt.

What he wants is someone to talk to, someone to cook for him—not facing those looks that say "what happened to you."

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to go home, but I know I can't.」

「Because I know after I go home, I'll feel even worse.」

「I'll feel like a failure, like I let them down.」

「So I'd rather keep going alone here than go home and face all that.」

She said:

「Sometimes I think—if I could go home, not because 'I can't keep going anymore,' but because 'I just want to rest a little,' wouldn't that be nice.」

「But I know that's not possible.」

「Because going home always means 'I failed.'」

「So I've learned to say 'I'm doing fine' and 'I don't really miss home.'」

「Actually I miss it so much, but I don't want to go home.」

If you're a parent, maybe you could try saying it like this:

"Missing home is completely normal—I miss you sometimes too."

"If you want to come back, I support you. But if you still want to give it another try, I can also help you think of other ways."

Give your child a choice, not a judgment.

Make "going home" a choice, not a failure.

I'm in Manchester, and I specialize in counseling for international students.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to send me a message.