Stories from the Counseling Room: I Really Want to Tell You, But I'm Afraid You Won't Understand

A student abroad once told me that sometimes he really wants to be honest with his parents.

But he couldn't say it. Because he was afraid they wouldn't understand.

He said:

「I want to tell them I'm exhausted lately, but I'm afraid they'll say 'everyone's tired.'」

「I want to tell them I'm at my limit sometimes, but I'm afraid they'll say 'are you not trying hard enough.'」

「I want to tell them I don't want to continue, but I'm afraid they'll say 'we spent so much money sending you abroad.'」

「So I learned not to say anything.」

He said:

「It's not that I don't want to say it. It's that I'm afraid if I say it, you won't get it.」

「You'll say 'don't overthink it' 'get some rest' 'adjust your attitude.'」

「But sometimes I just want someone to know that I'm really tired.」

「I don't need advice. I just need someone to listen.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell them 'I've not been doing well lately.'」

「But I know after I say it, they'll ask a bunch of questions.」

「'Is the coursework too hard' 'are you not trying hard enough' 'are you not getting enough rest.'」

「I don't want to answer these questions, so I choose not to say anything.」

「And then I keep pretending 'it's all good.'」

She said:

「Once I really couldn't hold on anymore, and I told my mom 'I've been really tired lately.'」

「She said 'is it because you're not managing your time well.'」

「That moment, I completely broke.」

「I thought she would say 'I know you're tired.'」

「But what she said was 'is it because you're not managing your time well.'」

「So after that, I never said it again.」

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell them the truth, but I know they won't get it.」

「They've never studied abroad, so they don't know what it's like here.」

「They don't know what it feels like to be alone, to have something you just can't bring yourself to say.」

「So I learned to tell them 'it's pretty good.'」

「Because I'm afraid that if I say it, they'll understand it their way, and I'll end up even more exhausted.」

He said:

「Once I told them 'sometimes I really want to come home.'」

「They said 'then come back.'」

「But I didn't want to hear 'then come back.' What I wanted to hear was 'I know this has been really hard for you.'」

「But they wouldn't say that, because they don't understand.」

「So I choose not to say anything.」

「Because saying it, it just makes me more tired.」

A lot of parents ask their kids "how have you been lately," and the kids all say "pretty good."

The parents think the kids "don't want to communicate."

But maybe the kids are just afraid that after they say something, you won't understand.

Afraid you'll say "don't overthink it" "are you not trying hard enough" "we spent so much money on you."

Afraid you'll understand it your way, instead of actually getting where they're coming from.

A girl told me:

「I really want to tell them the truth.」

「I want to say 'I've been really tired' 'I can't hold on' 'I don't want to keep going.'」

「But I know after I say it, they'll worry, they'll give advice, they'll ask a bunch of questions.」

「I don't need any of that. I just need someone to listen to me.」

「But they can't just listen.」

「So I learned not to say anything.」

「I'd rather carry it alone than say it and end up even more exhausted.」

If you're a parent, maybe you could think about it this way:

When your child "won't talk," maybe it's not that they don't want to—it's that they're afraid they won't be understood.

Maybe you could ask: "Is there a lot you want to say, but you're afraid we won't get it?"

Then, don't give advice. Don't ask questions. Just listen.

Just say: "I know this hasn't been easy for you."

That might be exactly what your child most wants to hear.

I'm in Manchester, and I specialize in counseling for international students.

If you'd like to talk, you can message me.