Stories from the Counseling Room: Why I Stopped Telling My Parents the Truth

A留学生 student told me that every time he finishes a call with his parents, he needs a long time to decompress.

I asked why, and he said:

「Because every time I tell the truth, I end up feeling more exhausted.」

He gave me a few examples:

I said I couldn't handle final week, and they said 「Who's not stressed? We had it even harder back in our day」→ I shouldn't have said that.

I said I wanted to defer my essay, and they said 「Did you even take it seriously?」→ I shouldn't have said that.

I said I couldn't get through all the reading, and they said 「Just don't procrastinate, right?」→ I shouldn't have said that.

I said my group project teammates were useless and I did the whole thing myself, and they said 「You need to learn to cooperate」→ I shouldn't have said that.

He said:

「Every time I tell the truth, I have to spend time processing their reactions—guilt, self-blame, 'I'm not good enough.'」

「So later I learned to say 'it's fine,' 'it's nothing,' 'don't worry.'」

「It's not that I don't want to talk. It's that after talking, we're both exhausted.」

Once he went home during a break, planning to rest for a bit.

Instead, he was rushing through assignments every single day, writing an essay until dawn.

His mom asked him 「How have you been lately?」 and he said 「It's been good.」

「I was so burned out at that point, but I knew I couldn't say it.」

「Because if I said it, they'd worry, and then they'd ask 'Is the course too hard?' or 'Are you not putting in enough effort?'」

「I didn't want to explain anymore. It was too draining.」

He said what scared him most was:

When his parents asked 「You look exhausted. Is final week getting to you?」

He couldn't say yes, because they'd say 「Did you not manage your time well?」

He couldn't say no either, because they'd say 「Then why aren't you happy?」

So in the end, he learned to say 「It's fine, just sleeping a bit late lately.」

It's a safe answer—no follow-up questions, no worrying them.

But it also means they don't know that he's actually been barely holding on for a long time.

A lot of parents think their kids are becoming more quiet because of "rebellion" or "introversion."

But sometimes, the kid has just learned that—not telling the truth is easier for everyone.

Because in their parents' language:

"Exhausted" = "You're not trying hard enough"

"Can't handle it" = "You're too fragile"

"Need to rest" = "You're being lazy"

"Don't want to try anymore" = "You're letting us down"

So the kid learns to say "It's fine"—the safest answer.

There was a boy who told me:

「Sometimes I really want to give up, but I know I can't.」

「Because if I do, it would prove them right—that I'm not good enough.」

「So I've been pushing through, pushing through until the day I really can't anymore.」

「Maybe then I'll break down, but at least until that point, I've been 'fine.'」

If you're a parent, the next time your kid says "It's fine," maybe pause and think:

Has he already learned that this is the safest answer?

Has he been barely holding on for a long time, just not knowing how to say it?

Has he been waiting, waiting for a place where he doesn't have to pretend "I'm okay"?

I'm in Manchester, and I specialize in counseling for international students.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to reach out.