Stories from the counseling room: I learned to pretend to be happy on Moments

An international student told me that her Moments look very happy.

Brunch, the library, the occasional sunset, and photos with friends.

But she said:

「Those photos are real, but the part I didn't post is also real.」

She said:

「I post photos of brunch, but what I didn't post is: I walked back alone after eating.」

「I post photos of the library, but what I didn't post is: I cried in the library that day.」

「I post group photos with friends, but what I didn't post is: I actually wanted to escape that gathering.」

「I learned to pretend to be happy, because I don't want them to worry.」

She said that once she posted a Moment 「Today the weather is nice」.

Her mom commented: 「Looks like you're in a good mood.」

She said: 「Mhm, pretty good.」

But actually that day she stayed alone in her room the whole day.

「The weather was nice, but I didn't go out.」

「I just wanted to post something to make them feel I'm doing okay.」

A boy told me:

「My Moments look lively, because I only post lively things.」

「Actually I'm alone a lot, but I don't post.」

「Because if I post they'd ask 'are you alone' 'why don't you find friends'.」

「I don't want to explain, so I choose not to post.」

He said:

「Sometimes I deliberately post some Moments like 'I'm doing well'.」

「For example, going to eat something good, for example, going out to play.」

「But actually during those times, my heart was empty.」

「I just wanted to reassure them, so I post some things that look happy.」

「But the happiness is pretended, the emptiness is real.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes when I feel down, I want to post on Moments to vent.」

「But then I'd think 'would this make them worry'.」

「So in the end I posted a 'Today the weather is nice' and then said nothing.」

「Because I know, if I said 'I'm very sad today', they would worry.」

「And I don't want them to worry.」

She said:

「Once I couldn't hold on anymore, and posted 'sometimes I'm really tired'.」

「Five minutes later, my mom called.」

「She said 'what's wrong'.」

「I said 'it's nothing, just tired'.」

「She said 'did something happen to you'.」

「I said 'no'.」

「Then she asked many more questions, and finally I said 'really it's nothing, just said it casually'.」

「After that day, I never post this kind of thing again.」

「Because I know, after posting there would be a series of follow-up questions, and I don't want to explain.」

Many parents judge whether their child is "doing well" through Moments.

"The child looks happy, should be fine."

But the child may have just learned to pretend to be happy.

He might post "Today the weather is nice", but actually that day he was alone and felt down for a long time.

He might post a brunch photo, but actually after eating he walked back alone, not knowing what to do.

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell the truth on Moments.」

「But I know after saying it, either they will worry or they will give advice.」

「But I just want someone to know that I'm actually not that happy.」

「But I know they can't just 'know'.」

「So I learned to pretend to be happy on Moments.」

「Because this way, it's easier for them and for me.」

If you are a parent, maybe you can think like this:

Moments are the part the child chooses to show, not the whole.

Maybe you can ask: "Your Moments look very happy, but sometimes you get tired too, right?"

Give the child a space where they can say "actually sometimes it's quite tiring."

Instead of having to pretend "I'm fine" every time.

I am in Manchester, specializing in psychological counseling for international students.

If you want to talk, you can private message me.